Suicide (and Depression)

[jumpin' jellybean]

I'm having a bad day. A very bad day.

Hopefully I'll go over to my friend's house later and have a big girly chat and lots of huggles (and maybe a bottle or so of wine...).

Hugs to everyone.

[Paulky]

Hugs right back atcha babe!

[count_libido]

Aw, JJ - poors yous! *hugs* Hope your friend can paint a silver lining onto the black cloud of your day.

[Tgirl]

Awww... Big HUGS a nice cup of something warming for JJ and Staticgirl...

[mosquito617]

HEEUGE HUGs for JJ and Static.

Static lass, go straight to trading standards in the morning. And start dropping their name into any conversation with your direct debit peeps. Amazing the dear of god that induces.

[Perf]

When I read these posts of how other people are feeling I always feel decidedly fake. I can't help feeling how petty and immature my (small) problems are when others are clearly coping with much worse. My health is good, I am employed and I have somewhere to live, Im sure I should be grateful but I just can't seem to see the wood for the trees.

I feel numb, stupid, and pathetic for complaining when theres clearly worse to be had but selfishly I can't stop feeling sorry for my stupid self. I hate my stupid head, Im just a flaming mess when I've no right to be.

[nin_o_negative]

Nooooo don't think like that! No feeling is trivial or silly! Nobody here would think that you are "selfish" anything of the sort.
You have every right to complain and express yourself. If you don't let it out, make someone listen or try to express yourself, then you will just feel progressively worse.

[count_libido]

Perfiditty, when I started out in therapy, I said exactly the same thing. My therapist told me that it's the most common thing that people say.

The thing is - there are people dealing with their problems in their way. Depression is about how you cope with your problems. It doesn't matter what everyone else is doing, if you are having a difficult time with something, you can't help it if you feel that way.

[Dragondrawers]

I've already said and continue to say that I have no concept of what true depression is, you may as well tell me you are purple because I have no concept what that feels like either but if I don't vent I am going to go potty.

I honestly dont believe I am depressed but I think I might be about to throw my toys out of the pram!

Work is SSDD, everything is about statistics and no longer about the patient anymore. Thats not why I joined the Ambulance Service, I agree in principal with policys that are in place but the NHS in general is such a blame culture that no one will hold their hands up and say 'oh that was me sorry' they simply blame the people below them, net result is that my lot in the Dispatch centre get the blame all the damn time. All I can do is give out the call, its not up to me to drive the bloody ambulance and make sure they get to where they are going within 8 minutes. Thats just the tip of the iceberg, we all feel unappreciated, all work in a sh*thole and all get criticised at every turn.

I feel old. I am 42 and have just gone for blood tests because my GP now thinks I am starting the menopause (sorry gents I know its a man-squirming subject). I am having constant hot flushes and am not sleeping well because of it. My weight continues to pile on despite being at weight watchers and I cannot find the motivation to kick my own arse into touch.

The worst of it all is I feel so angry all the time. I apparently inherited my bloodfathers' temper although I have no recollection of him. I have always had a temper and its taken all my life to control it. At the moment I feel like I have constant PMT and its driving me nuts. My poor son who is a typical 4 yr old does not know whether hes on his head or his heels. Hes such a good kid which means when he is naughty it seems twice as bad as it should. Hes having problems coping with me working shifts and particularly night shifts which is having the net effect of making him erratic at nursery, hitting and biting which is so unlike him.

My husband is trying his best but hes never come across anything like this before and hes great support to me, hes great for cuddles and hugs but doesnt see anything unless it kicks him in the bum so things like housework, dealing with the boy etc fall to me. He forgets that although he works Mon-Fri and I work shifts, I still work more hours than him.

Hes been told that within the next 9 mons they will either move him or make him redundant from his department and while he seems not overly worried its driving me to distraction.

Net result I don't know whether to scream or cry, I keep picking fights and arguing the toss with people who I would normally ignore.

Sorry this post is long, it seems such a small deal when its written down, I just hate feeling like this.

[mosquito617]

DD, sorry to hear all this. Maybe a few things you can do to help your situation.

Kick your hubby into touch, tell him that you are working shifts, your medical issues are making you exhausted so its time he helped out around the house, even if its just picking up the lads toys and doing the washing up.

Then try and find another job he can apply for and present him with bills to be paid. Might work.

Your lad, its a toughy, Sit him down and explain that you have to work these hours. You don't like it any more than him, but that you love him very much and you are doing it to keep food on the table.

Work: know that one. Just need to stick it out and if needs be call in your union.

Your medical crap: weight gain despite healthy eating, bad tempered, soooooooooo tired. Have you been checked for thyroid?