Suicide (and Depression)

[mosquito617]

Like space cadet says, find a key and open the gate. even if it is the service gate at the back wall and not the big iron bound drawbridge at the front.

always worth a walk out in the garden instead of staying in the dreary courtyard

[Australis]

Kahless - sorry for your loss, really. He sounded like a nice guy.

To recent others: I've been down for a few months, since the start of the year, but gradually pulling myself out of it. This weekend, I spent it thinking about my Mum, and how much I missed her, and I could kind of feel her around me. Anyway, at day's end, I suddenly thought "Hell with it, I'm sick of being sad, I'm sick of lacking confidence, I'm sick of being poor, I'm sick of living my life this way". I've pulled my writing together, have three scripts out there, another on the way as well as a novel, and I'm not slowing down until I start getting results.

For too long I've been too passive and let it roll over me. Too often I've let walls appear in front of me and I haven't tried to get over or around or under or through them, just sat in front of them stymied. Now I've simply decided to ignore them and just get on with it.

It's not easy, it's never easy, it's taken me a long time to sharpen my skills where I'm starting to get a little recognition. But if I don't falter now (says the guy with low self confidence and self esteem), I think I can get there.

Guys, don't give up. Push back. Where you can, ignore stuff. Chances are it doesn't matter. There are wonderful opportunities out there, but sometimes we don't see them until too late (that was something that got me into this rave, anger at my many failings), and it is time to turn and face into the storm. We all have one thing we're good at, it's taken me a very long time to find it... but I have found it. And so can you.

Hang in there. I think your're all great, and have the potential of greatness within you. Prove me right. You know you want to.

EDIT!:
Actually, I was thinking about this on the weay to work this morning, and trying to think of a better way to put it. It occurred to me that what worked for me was getting the internal life working properly - know who I am, know where I want to go, battering down the self-created obstacles (of which there are many), building up the skills I could use and I was good at, putting aside self-doubt for a practical assessment, rather than optimistic or pessimistic, figuring out what kind of life I want to live. Once I knerw who I was inside, I began to bend the outside life around that. It's still not all the way there, and it has taken me a very long time to get where I am, decades. But it can be done. Hold the world off at arm's lenght while you get the inside life sorted, then tackle the rest. If anyone gets in your way, be polite but neutral, and then go around them. Don't get angry, don't let them depress you, don't just give in to what they say. Polite, neutral, around. Reasonable requests handled, manipulations denied. And so on.

If you can get to the stage where you can rely on yourself (because others will let you down), you can find a way ahead.

[mosquito617]

Australis i am so pleased you have found your path. Walk it well and enjoy the scenery.

As to me am feeling absolutely terrified at the moment and starting to panic.

I'm going in as a forensic casework administrator. I'll be taking in the exhibits, logging them, doing all the paperwork, making sure they get to the correct lab/scientist, tracking, paperwork for the cases then making sure they get back to the correct senders. And all the time making sure my work is exact and then it will be repeatedly checked by others. And if I get it wronger I have to pray it is picked up in house where I will get warnings, or if it doesn't it could cause a whole court case to collapse.

Am just so scared of screwing up and making my life hard at work, and even worse screwing up someone elses life because a courtcase has collapsed.

[Australis]

You'll be fine midgie. Don't let things rattle, take it carefully, if not as slowly as you might prefer, adn write everything down, a paper trail can be very useful, I've found in a couple of jobs. The most difficult person you'll have top deal with (I was kinda trying to say up there) is yourself, as you get angry or confused or forgetful or otherwise upset. That was the thing that made my life much more stressful than I realised, and now I've learned to take my time, write down steps, adn don't let those inner voices swamp me.

It's a responsible job, and they've put their trust in you to do it - they must see the capability and potential in you. Go with that. Well done again.

[runalong]

That you take the job seriously is good but remember that you are going to get training and supervision they won't let you loose without it for the same concerns you have. But good luck

[mosquito617]

thanks guys, i know its going to be fine and everything, but this job has such major repercussions if i lose sight of it for just minute and mke a mistake. We're talking having to sign the official secrets act and everything!

[Boo]

So very sorry for your loss kahless.

[zenseeker]

back again. did stupid stuff, got locked away (sectioned as they call it) and eventually let home. better luck next time XD

[runalong]

Zenseeker I hope you are getting the help you need

[Australis]

Hang in there, Zen. See my posts above. You're worth more than you might think, don't let anyone, including yourself, tell you otherwise.