BLOGBUSTERS Santa’s Naughty And Nice List 2012
My friends, the end of the year is bearing down on us like a horde of angry Tharks (hey man, I liked John Carter) and so a geek’s mind turns to the year that’s just gone and its highs and lows. Having seen Rise Of The Guardians recently I can confirm no one wants to be on steampunk, sabre-wielding Santa’s Naughty list but hey, someone has to be, right? So, don ye now your gay apparel and fa la la la la laaaa la la la la along as we answer the twin question that the SFX Bloggers must answer:
Who made Santa’s Naughty and Nice lists this year?
Tru Topham: Santa, let’s talk. You and I, we have different opinions from time to time, but I’m hoping we can agree here.
I’m talking about the BBC. Yes, the entire BBC. They’re right off my Christmas Card list. I don’t want to hear any of this “Merlin was always meant to be a five-year story arc” nonsense. It’s clearly lies and wind. Under one month to go until the very last episodes of Merlin ever and you decided to tell us now that that’s all there will be?
You knew. You knew, BBC. It takes time to write, schedule, and film these things. You don’t just whip a two-parter out of your butt in time for Christmas. “Rumours of spin-offs”? I don’t bloody want spin-offs! I want Merlin.
Go away. I’m not talking to you.
You’ve been very, very naughty, and you will be getting a lump of coal.
John Cooper: I don’t know if it was real or I imagined it, but I have an image in my head of Marvel uber-villan Galactus dressed as Santa. Jack Kirby era art, with the mighty purple one floating through space with a red bobble hat on bringing Christmas to the universe. For my naughty list I want you to imagine Galactus delivering the news. Pointing a finger the size of a house and asking, Have you been good? (No they haven’t) Ok, here goes.
• Prometheus: Yes it looked great but the story didn’t hold much water and I’m sure I wasn’t the only one in the cinema internally screaming at Charlize Theron to, “Run to your left!” to escape the giant steam rolling donut spaceship. Has she never watched The Goodies?
• Chuck series five: Sorry mate, I stopped caring at the beginning of series three when the Buy More doubled as the secret base.
• Anyone not watching Fringe: You’re crazy.
• The Secret Circle: Not I never watched it either, but it’s on my list simply because it exists. Destroy Galactus, DESTROY!
• Steven Moffat: Galactus is going to pay a visit to the Moff. They’ll have a nice sit down and a chat with the wonky hatted bibilical badass asking the Moff for a bit of consistency in how Doctor Who is put together. Series six was narratviely complex and satisfyingly involved, series seven was overly simple and inconsistant. Can we have some consistency? Please?
Stacey Whittle: Mike Carey is top of my naughty list. His Felix Castor novels are top of my must -ead genre fiction list and I have now been waiting three blummin years for the next one. Three! I miss Felix, what’s happening? What’s going on, I have a million unanswered questions. All I want for Christmas is a “Fatal Legacy” but I shall have to wait patiently (well, I’m calling this patiently) until May for the next one. Hopefully May, well look, it says May on Wiki so it has to be true right? Hello? Give me my book!
Lee Harris: Can I say Santa himself? As a fictional entity he is qualified to appear on this list.
He never used to be fictional, of course – oh, no! When I was a lot younger, he’d be there for me every year, bringing me toys, games, a bicycle. It never occurred to me that an old man breaking into folks’ houses in the middle of the night in order to empty his sack for the children was a bad thing. No, I was always happy to receive his bounty.
But since then? Not a dicky bird! Not a bloody sausage! Seems when you get older he loses interest. You’d think the Daily Mail would have started a campaign, at least!
• It’s probably just because it’s recent, but I’d definitely put George Lucas on my Naughty List. It’s one thing besmirching the franchise you created; it’s another thing entirely snagging a massive paycheque to threaten Star Wars’ future forevermore by cashing in and selling out.
• Twilight – Thankfully, it’s finally over. But we’ve had to put up with so much movie guff in the process that Breaking Dawn Part 2 was – fittingly – the final straw. That ending, ay? *SPOILER ALERT* I know it’s technically the book’s fault, but spending God knows how many hours getting to an apocalyptic end game, only to cop out with an imaginary ending so naff even Dallas would’ve thought distasteful? Boo you.
• Every Single Movie Casting Director: WHY ARE WE STILL WAITING FOR NATHAN FILLION TO BECOME THE BEST BLOCKBUSTER MOVIE LEADING MAN EVER? There’s always next year, I suppose *crosses fingers for Guardians Of The Galaxy*
• Pixar: Controversial, I know. But while I enjoyed Brave, it all just felt a little too generic for Pixar’s traditionally exceptional standard of filmmaking. Oh, and John Carter? Let’s just all forget that ever happened. (*Cough* nothing to do with Pixar *Cough* – ed)
Will Salmon: I was kind of sad to see Christopher Priest dissing this year’s Clarke Award nominees. He’s entitled to his opinions, of course, but it just came off as a bitter rant against younger talents like China Miéville and Charles Stross. At least he had some nice words to say about Lavie Tidhar’s Osama. Book of the year, that.
Also, and I hate to say it, Alan Moore. Sure, he’s got reason to be pissed off, especially in the year that Before Watchmen dropped. But his continuing dismissal of modern comics as essentially worthless says more about his ego than it does the state of the industry.
Oh, and Giles Coren. For being Giles Coren.
Steven Ellis: There’s not much on my naughty list this year. Most of the films I saw had already been out a while when I saw them so I’d heard a little about them and my expectations were usually downgraded somewhat. So even the disappointing ones were less disappointing because they weren’t as bad as I was expecting, even Prometheus. My biggest film disappointment of the year was The Dark Knight Rises. I thought it was such an over-blown, over-long, convoluted mess, I was very surprised when so many people were singing its praises.
TV I’ve been generally happy with this year. All the returning programs have been going from strength to strength, and I’ve been pleasantly surprised by some of the new shows. Warehouse 13 is probably the only real disappointment of the year for me. It used to be so fun and zany and now it’s just lost up its own “dark” arc plot (ah, an opportunity to drop in my “vanishing up its own arc” quip again, hurrah! – ed). They should bring back the fun.
If I had to single anything out for naughty list attention it would be the whole 3D thing. I’m sick of it. And I’m sick of the way it’s being forced upon us more and more. I wish 3D would just crawl away into the corner and die. Disney should also get a mention for their cock-up of the Avengers DVD/Blu-ray release and the Joss Whedon commentary controversy too.
Oh, and this year’s Lego Star Wars advent calendar has been a bit of a disappointment so far. Last year’s didn’t have a fantastic toy every single day but it was more hit than miss. As I write this I’m on day six and so far I’ve only had one gift that isn’t going to end up in the bits box. Lego is usually so reliable.