BLOGBUSTERS Zombie Survival Tactics

Cockneys vs Zombies vs Blogbusters

 

Zombies, man, they’re the worst. Vampires are well-dressed and have sexual charisma, werewolves have that whole primal beast magnetism thing going on and ghosts can pretty much be whatever they want to be (even corporeal if the budget’s limited).

Zombies though? There are millions of them and they eat you. The end. Or there are millions of them and you survive until their bodies are too rotted to pursue you any more. Or the world is taken over and you, and an increasingly rotating cast of characters, many of whom have already died once, struggle to stop a seemingly immortal corporation and a homicidal AI from killing the world even more than it already has been, whilst dodging zombies.

Like I say, zombies, man, they’re the worst.

Or ARE THEY?

Well, yes. But there are ways around them. You keep your bug-out bag ready to go, you plan ahead, you prepare for the end of the world and for what comes after it, and, if you’re a Blogbuster, you answer this question:

Why does Carl never stay in the house?

Actually that’s not true at all, the question really is:

What one item must be in your zombie apocalypse bug-out bag?

It’s the end of the world as we know it, and here’s their answers!

Laura McConnell I’ll be honest, I’ve never thought about this before. I’m not much into zombies, and one single item is just too difficult to consider, so I haven’t bothered. I mean, a weapon is necessary, of course, but you also need food, water, basic medical supplies, etc, etc, etc. So I kept coming back to people rather than things as my answer. I’ve got medicine covered, but taking someone who knows how to hunt, obtain clean water, and fashion tools from branches? Now, that makes sense to me. Much more sense than taking a single tool. To that end, I considered a survivalist; MacGyver, or that guy from PBS who makes all sorts of things with no power tools at all. But they both lost to Hermione Granger, because if she can keep a bumbling Ron and a clueless Harry safe with a bunch of Death Eaters are on their tails, well, a bunch of zombies shouldn’t be too much trouble at all.

PigMonkey Without trying to sound like an uppity camping jerk, the first thing in any urvival kit should be a way to make clean water. I would be bugging out for places where there would be very little human population, and that can make getting the basics difficult. When you are dealing with a virulent plague or some other epidemic it only seems logical that you want to limit the amount of foreign elements that get into your body.

On average, a human can only go three days without water, then you become weak then ill, then dead, which runs counter to the whole “survival” strategy, zombie or otherwise. My first choice would be the First Need XL camping water purifier.  It is a little bulky, but you aren’t going home ever again so don’t skimp. With a few replacement purifiers you can stay out of civilisation for a good long time.  With most of the slathering human munching masses hungry for your fleshy bits, weapons will be easy to find, ditto for blankets and shelter gear, but it’s the basic life functions that get overlooked. Stay hydrated, keep moving, stay alive. Use your Braaaaaaaaaiiiinnnnsssss.

William Salmon Water purification tablets. You will be able to find, scavenge and eventually grow food comparatively easily. But you will always need a good supply of water, and most of it won’t be fit to drink. Take a big stock of these and a pan (to boil your water in) and you should be fine.

Also A MASSIVE TANK.

Water’s one thing, but A MASSIVE TANK is generally better for blowing zombies up, blowing the inevitable crazy humans up, driving through walls, sleeping in etc. If you can get hold of one, A MASSIVE TANK is the answer to many problems in a post-apocalyptic society. I speak from experience*.

* No I don’t.

Matt Risley I’m going to go ahead and assume my bag isn’t TARDIS-like (in which case my answer would be a diving bell). When it comes to “normal”-sized bags, then I’d try my luck with a jetpack. Scoff as much as you want, but there are genuinely jetpacks you can buy off the shelf already (if you happen to be a billionaire, and have access to remote military divisions or obscure fringe sci-fi websites). It’d be the perfect getaway vehicle (with the added bonus of frying any zombies in your vertical wake), and as it’s strapped onto your back, you’d still have all your hands free to wield knives, guns, etc. Plus, if you’re going to go out, you may as well go out in nerdy style.

Kell Harker Just like surviving a Canadian winter, my survival of the apocalypse will depend on physical endurance, knowledge, good planning and essential gear needed to build a shelter, scavenge for food, and defend myself against hungry predators. Of course, in the event of zombies destroying everything and everyone you love, hope is important for survival when all seems lost, so a picture of loved ones would be included in my waterproof backpack. But really the most essential item for survival is obvious: a fixed blade (non-folding), full tang (a solid piece of continuous metal) knife with a sharp pointed tip suitable for self-defense, building shelters, first aid, food prep, signaling, and fire making. I do a lot of camping so this would be a cinch for me. If you think you can survive without a suitable knife then you had better rethink your good zombie plan, my friend.

Alasdair Stuart A wind-up radio. Because the BBC will, let’s face it, be one of the last things to go and if there are enough survivors, or safe havens, then they’ll be used to guide us there. There’s a lot to be said for clinging to normality when the world’s ended as well, so if nothing else the sound of the radio will be a psychological comfort, even if it’s telling us we’re all going to die. Two added advantages to it; most wind-up radios have a built-in windup torch and if push comes to shove the thing can be turned on and placed, attracting zombies in for some form of distraction or trap.

Steven Ellis…or at least, what used to be him… The one thing I’d need in my bag would be a good supply of brainzz. You see I’m already a member of the zombie hordes.

I’m sure the rest of the bloggers’ answers featured weapons or handy devices to fight my un-dead brethren. And it’s typical of the still-alive to head straight for the weapons. All they want to do is kill my kind. They never take the time to understand or empathise. They never stop to think about the poor rotting-once-alive-being who they are attempting to brain.

I’d like to ask them to stop for a minute and listen. I’d like to pose the question “Do we really need to pick sides? Do we have to be enemies? Do you have to always beat our heads to a mess pulp? Can’t we find another way?”

I’m here to suggest we try to learn to live together. It wouldn’t take to much. There’s no need for a world wide apocalypse, no need for civilisation as we know it to end. We ex-members-of-the-human-race just want a bit of space to call our own and the odd brain to munch on. Somewhere to shuffle about and moan in and the odd snack to munch on, you can even fence us in, we wouldn’t mind. That’s all. It’s not much to ask is it?

Myself and other members of the pulseless-but-still-mobile members of society don’t want to be in constant battles with our still-warm brothers and sisters. All we want is to un-live in peace and quiet. People like Romero and Kirkman have misrepresented us. We aren’t evil. We don’t want to eat all of you. There’s no need to fear us. Some of us could even be useful to society. There are plenty of jobs where a none-breathing person could be a distinct advantage (judging the X-Factor? – ed). Places which are toxic to still-breathing humans. We’d probably make brilliant astronauts or maybe even dog walkers (as long as the dogs don’t steal our leg bones.) We wouldn’t need paying. We don’t need accommodation. Just brainz once or twice a week.

So please. Put away your weapons and let us meet in the spirit of friendship and try to learn to share this planet together. We promise we won’t try to eat you.




Well that was chilling wasn’t it? And let’s finish on a song. Take it away, Mr Coulton!

See you in seven

• Read previous Blogbusters
• Pick up The SFX Book Of The Walking Dead
• Read our Cockneys Vs Zombies review