CONFUSED? YOU WILL BE “The Daemons”, episode five (1971)
After five episodes of high drama and English village terror, it transpires that all UNIT had to do to get rid of the giant Azal was simply confuse the bleeder. When he starts to zap the Doctor with an energy bolt, Jo steps in front and demands that the hairy-chested alien kill her instead. Cue lots of head grasping as Azal promptly blows a fuse, crying, “This action does not relate!” You got that right, mate. Or convince, either.
MAKING A TOMTIT OF HIMSELF “The Time Monster”, episode three (1972)
Oh dear, the Master is experimenting with time again, through a device called TOMTIT – that’s Transmission Of Matter Through Interstitial Time – and is causing all matter of mischief! But how to stop him? The Doctor has the solution: find a wine bottle, attach a set of keys, some nail varnish and a cork and top it off with some tea leaves! Doctor Who’s Bad Science nadir, it’s Horizon by way of Why Don’t You?
WHAT A DRAG! “The Green Death”, episode four (1973)
Jon Pertwee – the man of a thousand voices, all of them Jon Pertwee’s – must have been pestering Barry Letts for years to allow him a scene like this. When the Doctor has to sneak into Global Chemicals, he first slopes in by pretending to be a milkman (complete with comedy Welsh accent). Then, after he’s rumbled, he drags himself up as the plant’s cleaning woman. Oh, how we’d have loved it if Christopher Eccleston had got done up like Hilda Ogden…
WHAT NOT TO WEAR “Robot” episode one (1975)
Trying out a variety of new outfits post-regeneration, Doctor number four first comes out as a Viking warrior, then – quick as a flash – the King of Hearts, then Pierrot, all to a weary shake of the head from the Brig. Seems there’s a fancy dress shop in the TARDIS… Of all the Doctor-choosing-a-new-costume scenes, this is the daftest. And the most brilliant. If only Colin Baker’s Doctor had had the Brigadier around to inform him that his costume “might attract attention” too.
WHAM BAM, THANK YOU CLAM “Genesis Of The Daleks”, episode three (1975)
Even the best Doctor Who stories have the occasional dropped stitch. When the Doctor and Harry are wandering through the caves under the Kaled dome to the wastelands they nearly come a cropper to a giant clam, when it attacks Harry’s leg. It’s about as frightening as, well, a giant clam can be. What’s particularly amusing is the idea that this is the product of one of Davros’s previous genetic experiments – was he planning to open a chain of seafood restaurants? Respect to Ian Marter for giving it his all, though.
To read the next five silly moments, click on “next” (below right)