BLOG What Was R2-D2 Really Saying? Part XII
STAR WARS: RETURN OF THE JEDI
EXT DAGOBAH SWAMP – X-WING
Luke wanders over to where his X-Wing fighter is sitting. Artoo beeps a greeting, but is ignored by his depressed master.
ARTOO: Hey, so, ahm… Are we going home now? I nabbed Frog Boy’s lightsaber and his wallet, he won’t need it anymore and maybe Chewie will want it, the guy did owe him money. So… Want to help me with the ship?
Luke kneels down and begins to help Artoo with the ship, then stops and shakes his head dejectedly.
LUKE: I can’t do it, Artoo. I can’t go on alone.
ARTOO: Don’t then… Let’s go to Vegas. Or back to that Cloud City place… Meet some girls. Use that Force thing to cheat at gambling, maybe win some money…
Artoo holds up Yoda’s wallet
ARTOO: We can start with this…
BEN: (Off screen) Yoda will always be with you.
ARTOO: Awww crap.
Luke looks up to see the shimmering image of Ben Kenobi.
ARTOO: Oh, great… The ghost boy is back! Look! He’s more powerful than we can possibly imagine! Whoooo!
LUKE: Obi-Wan! Why didn’t you tell me?
The ghost of Ben Kenobi approaches him through the swamp.
ARTOO: Seriously. You and me? Vegas? Girls… Money. Come on! It’ll be fun…
LUKE: You told me Vader betrayed and murdered my father.
ARTOO: Oh, man. Here we go again… Lies! It’s all lies! Bloody Jedi can’t lie straight in bed!
BEN: Your father was seduced by the dark side of the Force. He ceased to be Anakin Skywalker and became Darth Vader. When that happened, the good man who was your father was destroyed. So what I have told you was true… from a certain point of view.
LUKE: (turning away, derisive) A certain point of view!
ARTOO: Yeah, the kind of point of view you get looking down from a whopping great ivory tower, with blinkers on, when your eyesight’s going and it’s getting a bit dark.
BEN: Luke, you’re going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view…
ARTOO: Or the lies we’ve been fed.
BEN: Anakin was a good friend. When I first knew him, your father was already a great pilot. But I was amazed how strongly the Force was with him. I took it upon myself to train him as a Jedi. I thought that I could instruct him just as well as Yoda. I was wrong.
ARTOO: Again with the pilot crap! And you hated Anakin when you met him. You thought he’d steal your master away. And speaking of your master… Yet again we conveniently forget all about Qui-Gon. You lot are just pathological liars! Oh, God! I’m getting sick of my own voice here. I’m giving out the same warnings over and over and nobody ever listens. Why does nobody listen to me?
LUKE: There’s still good in him.
BEN: He is more machine now than man. Twisted and evil.
ARTOO: Oh, for God’s sake! YOU CHOPPED ALL HIS LIMBS OFF AND LEFT HIM IN A VOLCANO!! YOU’D BE TWISTED AN EVIL TOO! ARRRGH!
LUKE: I can’t do it, Ben.
ARTOO: Phew. And breath… Breath… Breath…
BEN: You cannot escape your destiny. You must face Vader again.
ARTOO: Arghh! It’s not destiny. It’s a plan you and Frog Boy set up.
LUKE: I can’t kill my own father.
ARTOO: Yeah! He can’t kill his own father! Tell ’im Luke…
BEN: Then the Emperor has already won. You were our only hope.
ARTOO: Hey! Don’t lay the guilt here! You lot could have done something! You’ve been sat on your arses for 20 years!
LUKE: Yoda spoke of another.
BEN: The other he spoke of is your twin sister.
ARTOO: See, he means Leia! The spare! I’ve been trying to tell you about her for three friggin’ films!
LUKE: But I have no sister.
ARTOO: La la la la! Can anyone even hear me? Is this microphone even on?
BEN: Hmm. To protect you both from the Emperor, you were hidden from your father when you were born. The Emperor knew, as I did, if Anakin were to have any offspring, they would be a threat to him. That is the reason why your sister remained safely anonymous.
LUKE: Leia! Leia is my sister.
ARTOO: YES!! At last. And you snogged her! Bet you feel real dirty now!
BEN: Your insight serves you well. Bury your feelings deep down, Luke. They do you credit, but they could be made to serve the Emperor.
ARTOO: And you want them made to serve you guys don’t you… C’mon Luke, let’s get out of here. I’m gonna blow a circuit or something. Vegas? Girls… Money… Please? Please?