A condensed version of the first season by the Reduced SFX Company
An adaptation of the FIRST BOOK of GEORGE RR MARTIN’S A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE series, developed to divert our attention from the fact he’s never going to finish BOOK SIX and it’s all been A BIG WIND-UP. (Possibly.)
A giant MAP of this brand new FANTASY WORLD is explored in GREAT DETAIL, with the CAMERA SWOOPING around it so quickly it makes us DIZZY. It’s not only an INTRODUCTION to WESTEROS, it’s also like being on a ROLLERCOASTER, only with PRETTY MUSIC and a bunch of DESIGNERS sitting off to the side PRAYING FOR LOTS OF AWARDS for their hard work. It is COOL.
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We meet NED SHARPE… sorry, STARK, the head of a family who keep COMPLAINING about the fact that WINTER IS COMING.
NED SHARPE/STARK: It’s right nippy out. I think it’ll snow soon.
EVERYBODY: Gasp! Oh no! Woe is us!
NED SHARPE/STARK: Oh, right, yeah, I forgot. Winters are bad round these parts.
CATELYN STARK: We never have enough salt to grit the roads. It’s like living in Surrey.
NED SHARPE/STARK: Bloody government cutbacks! Never ’appened when I were a lad.
NED’S CHILDREN, who are either GRUMPY and/or TORTURED about being ILLEGITIMATE, find some BABY DIREWOLVES.
YOUNG BRAN STARK: I get my own pet wolf! Yay! He will be my soul mate and possibly save my life on many occasions.
JON SNOW: That he will, young Bran. As will mine. They’re like family now.
THE REST OF THE STARKS: What would you know about family? You’re illegitimate scum!
JON SNOW: [Weeps]
THE AUDIENCE: Wolves in a fantasy series? Such a cliché! Then again, it’ll probably only be a matter of time before some dragons show up.
THE AUDIENCE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOKS: Teehee!
The KING visits the STARKS and tells NED he is the new KING’S HAND.
NED SHARPE/STARK: I hope that’s not something rude.
THE KING: No, I have many, many whores to do that kind of thing for me. See?
THE KING has many, many WHORES. Also, he brought along his wife CERSEI LANNISTER and her TWIN BROTHER JAIME. They are BOFFING EACH OTHER, which is ICKY. YOUNG BRAN STARK sees them at it.
YOUNG BRAN STARK: That’s disgusting!
JAIME: Shut up, kid. What do you know about it? My sister is Sarah Connor and I have every right to boff her because she’s hot.
He pushes BRAN off a tower and he ends up paralysed. This is our first VERY SUBTLE, TEENY-TINY CLUE that the LANNISTERS are EVIL.
There is a GIANT WALL which separates the nice people in the SOUTH from the SCARY OTHERS in the NORTH. This WALL is defended by the NIGHT’S WATCH.
JON SNOW: As the bastard son of Ned Stark I feel honour-bound to prove myself to both my father and my family, and so I will join the Night’s Watch and guard our land from invaders! That will make them love me, once and for all!
He arrives at the WALL, which is ICY, COLD, TERRIFYING, INHOSPITABLE and ruled by MEAN GUARDS. Also, he is not allowed to have SEX ever again. EVER.
JON SNOW: Hmm. Maybe I should’ve stayed at home and just offered everybody footrubs.
Meanwhile, in the EAST, the VERY YOUNG DAENERYS TARGARYEN is about to be WED to a BARBARIAN HORSE LORD.
DAENERYS: I am young and innocent and will do what my brother tells me because that is my purpose in life, even if it means marrying a barbarian despite being so young I should be playing with My Little Ponies.
THE AUDIENCE: Sexist much?
THE AUDIENCE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOKS: It’s a fantasy world and they play by different rules than we do. Try to see it from their side. This kind of thing is normal.
THE AUDIENCE: Is her shiny silver Nylon hair normal, too?
THE AUDIENCE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOKS: Er…
The HORSE LORD arrives.
KHAL DROGO: Grrrr! [Gibberish] Growl! [Flexes muscles]
DAENERYS: I will honour and love you, my new husband. I will also take make-up lessons from you because your eye-liner is noticeably better than mine.
KHAL DROGO: Grrrr! [Gibberish] Growl! [Flexes muscles]
DAENERYS: Oh, you want to have sex with my virgin self on a rocky clifftop without so much as a by-your-leave? Go on, then.
They HAVE SEX. She discovers there may be more than one reason he is a called a HORSE LORD. It wasn’t GOOD FOR HER.
THE AUDIENCE: Ugh, rape! This is horrible! What a brute!
THE AUDIENCE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOKS: It’s okay, she eventually falls in love with him and their love is epic.
THE AUDIENCE: I believe the phrase you’re looking for is “Stockholm Syndrome”. That poor girl!
THE AUDIENCE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOKS: But she’s stronger than she looks! Just wait!
THE AUDIENCE: Yeah, yeah, she’s probably an all-powerful Chosen One who can control dragons or something.
THE AUDIENCE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOKS: Teehee!
We are introduced to the BEST CHARACTER IN THE SHOW.
TYRION LANNISTER: I may be small but I get all the good lines, have lots of sex and I’m very rich. Basically, I rock. It’s good to be me.
Unfortunately for TYRION, he is a SUSPECT in BRAN’s accident and is CAPTURED by CATELYN, who takes him to her CRAZY SISTER.
CATELYN’S CRAZY SISTER: You want me to punish this man for the terrible accident that befell your son? Okay then. Kill him!
CATELYN STARK: I’m sorry, could you say that again? I was too busy trying not to stare at your son breastfeeding from you even though he’s almost old enough to drive a car.
TYRION LANNISTER: I am innocent! This is ridiculous! You’re all bloody bonkers!
CATELYN’S CRAZY SISTER: Perhaps you would like to fight for your life?
TYRION LANNISTER: Come again? Sorry, I got distracted by your son nibbling your nips.
TYRION wins his freedom and slowly EARNS CATELYN’S TRUST. Sadly, his own FATHER, CHARLES DANCE, isn’t that bothered about him.
CHARLES DANCE: You’re a fool and an idiot.
TYRION LANNISTER: Whatever, father. Also, you may be the first person to skin a whole deer on American television, so well done.
CHARLES DANCE: I hate Bambi.
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Tags: Dragons, Featured, Game Of Thrones, Scriptease
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