FILM REVIEW Vampires Suck

Must Twi harder

12A * 82 mins * 15 October 2010
Distributor: 20th Century Fox
Directors: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer
Cast: Jenn Proske, Matt Lanter, Diedrich Bader, Chris Riggi

From the writer-directors of Date Movie, Meet The Spartans and Disaster Movie comes this spoof on Twilight.

Still reading?

If you are, thanks for sticking around and we’ll tell you a little more – although if you’ve seen Twilight, why bother reading? Becca Crane (likeable newcomer Proske) moves to a new town and starts at an unfriendly school where her eye is taken by a pale youth in a long coat. He’s called Edward Sullen. Although the two are drawn together they just can’t quite get it on. There’s also another boy who fancies Bella, but he has some issues along lycanthropic lines. Etcetera. You get the picture.

So, is it funny? Well, here’s a selection of jokes to help you decide: a teacher says to Becca, “Why don’t you sit next to that mysterious boy you’re destined to have a fatalistic relationship with and will spawn four books and a movie franchise?”; the “finger food” at a buffet is literally human fingers; a character has writing on her neck which reads “Insert fangs here”; and Iris, Edward’s prescient sister, gives Becca a present of a box of Tampax – Becca says, “But I’m not on my period” – Iris responds, “You will be – it’s coming early this month.”

Then there’s the random references to Vampire Weekend, Lindsay Lohan, Lady Gaga, Stephenie Meyer’s Twitter page and True Blood (one character briefly swigs a bottle of it) that all pop up.

Anxious to see it yet? Listen, we’ll climb off the fence: it’s a movie that will have you pining to watch the real Twilight films. Yes, it’s that bad.

Russell Lewin