SCRIPTEASE: True Blood
The Reduced SFX Company presents SEASON TWO in one compact and bijoux script
True Blood: Season Two
OVERALL SYNOPSIS OF SHOW
Sookie Stackhouse is a telepathic waitress living in the steamy Deep South American town of Bon Temps. She meets a vampire named Bill and can’t read his mind, which makes him suitably mysterious and enigmatic enough for her to fall in love with him. Meanwhile, everybody else in Bon Temps is either another supernatural creature, really dumb or just plain crazy. Oh, and this is a HBO series, so there’s swearing and lots and lots of shagging.
Some GUBBINS involving a SERIAL KILLER left over from last season gets resolved and then a BRAND NEW STORYLINE takes off. This NEW STORYLINE involves the mysterious MARYANN FORRESTER, who helps TARA THORNTON out of JAIL and introduces her to EGGS. No, not the chicken ovals. EGGS is actually a HOT GUY.
TARA: You’re a hot guy but you have a silly name.
EGGS: I know. My name’s so silly it will detract from my character’s believability all season and it make me sound like an idiot even when I’m being deadly serious.
TARA: Yeah, that sucks. So who’s this incredibly rich and beautiful Maryann? Do you know her story?
EGGS: All I know is, people sure like havin’ sex around here.
Sure enough, there is an ORGY.
THE VIEWERS: Holy crap! This season is gonna be fantastic!
SOOKIE STACKHOUSE and BILL COMPTON fight over something and then make up. By HAVING SEX. They do this A LOT. Meanwhile, JESSICA HAMBY, the brand-new VAMPIRE created by BILL, is having a TEENAGE STROP about her new existence.
JESSICA: I want to go out and party!
BILL: You can not. You might hurt someone.
JESSICA: You’re such a stick in the mud!
BILL: I will not let you out of this house.
Because she is a TEENAGER, she disobeys him and goes out looking for some rumpy pumpy anyway. She meets HOYT FORTENBERRY. They fall in LOVE. They have SEX. There are ICKY COMPLICATIONS.
JESSICA: Ow, I think I just became a virgin again! Curse my vampire regenerative skills!
HOYT: There’s a Madonna joke in here somewhere, I just know there is.
Meanwhile, at MARYANN’S HOUSE, there is an ORGY.
THE VIEWERS: Wow, so much sex! HBO rules!
STUPID JASON STACKHOUSE has fallen in with a SCARY RELIGIOUS CULT called the FELLOWSHIP OF THE SUN. At first he feels all LOVED and IMPORTANT, then he boffs the WIFE of the CULT LEADER and feels GUILTY, and then he realises they want to KILL ALL VAMPIRES.
STUPID JASON: But my sister’s datin’ a vampire and I think they’re really in love!
CULT LEADER: All vampires are ungodly and must die!
STUPID JASON: Okay, if you say so. Gimme a gun and let me take my shirt off for no reason.
At a vampire club called FANGTASIA, owner ERIC NORTHMAN is keeping LAFAYETTE REYNOLDS locked in his cellar. ERIC is VERY POPULAR with the FEMALE VIEWERS even more popular than BILL, who is supposed to be the STAR OF THE SHOW, so here is an opportunity for the writers to show that ERIC is really EVIL and nobody should like him.
ERIC: I’m really angry! Rawwr!
He TEARS A MAN TO SHREDS WITH HIS BARE HANDS.
THE VIEWERS: That was so cool! We love Eric!
THE WRITERS: Damn. This isn’t working. They must love his long, silky hair.
ERIC is given a haircut.
THE VIEWERS: Ooh, he looks even sexier.
THE WRITERS: Damn. There must be a way. Got it. There’s no way his cool can survive this…
ERIC is forced to wear a SHELL SUIT.
THE VIEWERS: Swoon…
THE WRITERS: Okay, we give up. We just can’t make the viewers love Bill as much as Eric. We should go with it and give Eric more of a personality.
ERIC: [Thoughfully] Hmm. Suddenly I have a vulnerable side and big puppy-dog eyes. This is curious.
At MARYANN’S HOUSE, TARA and EGGS join in an ORGY.
THE VIEWERS: Are we imagining things, or are all these orgies starting to look the same?
SOOKIE, BILL, JESSICA and ERIC travel to DALLAS to search for the vampire who made ERIC, who has DISAPPEARED. This search appears to involve lots of sitting around in DARK HOTEL ROOMS and ARGUING.
SOOKIE: I guess there are disadvantages to starring in a show alongside vampires – we never film in daylight.
BILL: That is true.
SOOKIE: Why don’t you use contractions, Bill? I know you’re a Southern gent ’n’ all but you’ve been around for long enough to shorten “that is” to “that’s”.
BILL: Do you not like it? I think it makes me sound authoritative.
SOOKIE: No, you just sound like Lieutenant Data.
BILL: I am… I mean, I’m sorry.
SOOKIE: That’s okay. Hey, let’s have sex.
They HAVE SEX. Then they set out to rescue GODRIC from the FELLOWSHIP OF THE SUN, which they do. ERIC is thrilled to see him again but GODRIC commits suicide because VAMPIRES are INHERENTLY MISERABLE and TORTURED SOULS.
ERIC: My mentor is dead. I’m so sad and lonely.
THE VIEWERS: It’s alright, we love you! And why can’t you get it on with Sookie to cheer yourself up? You’re much more fun than Bill!
THE WRITERS: That’s a good point. What this show needs is a slow-burning love triangle!
A BOMB EXPLODES that miraculously doesn’t kill any regular characters, and ERIC convinces SOOKIE to drink his blood. This forges a CONNECTION between them that will later result in some SAUCY DREAMS.
BILL: Eric, you manipulative scoundrel! I am crying tears of blood over this. Sook-eh! SOOK-EH!
SOOKIE: It’s alright, Bill, I still love you. Although Eric does have that “puppy-dog eyes” thing goin’ on…
BILL: [Miserable and tortured] SOOOOK-EH!!!
SOOKIE: Let’s have sex.
Meanwhile, in Bon Temps, SOOKIE’S HOUSE has been taken over by MARYANN and her followers. There are many ORGIES.
THE VIEWERS: Come on, aren’t you guys worn out by now?
SOOKIE returns home, where she is CAPTURED by MARYANN, who wants to SACRIFICE her to the god DIONYSUS. MARYANN is a MAENAD (dictionary definition: “a creature who holds too many orgies”) and is going to DESTROY BON TEMPS. SOOKIE discovers she has a new power: the ability to throw a CGI BALL OF LIGHT at people, but it doesn’t help her.
MARYANN: I’m going to sacrifice you while everybody has sex!
SOOKIE: Y’know, maybe HBO should cut back on the sex awhile. You’ve seen one naked body, you’ve seen ’em all.
STUPID JASON: Does that mean I have to put my shirt back on?
FEMALE (AND SOME MALE) VIEWERS: Don’t you dare!
MARYANN: Dionysus, here’s your sacrifice! Oh look, there you are!
A BULL appears. MARYANN goes to say HELLO. The BULL kills her. It’s really SAM MERLOTTE, who hasn’t had much else to do this season except CHANGE INTO A DOG and DATE A GIRL who DIED.
SAM: I saved everybody! Go me!
BILL: Good dog! Here, have a Scooby snack.
Now everybody is safe again – apart from EGGS, who just gets SHOT – BILL takes SOOKIE out for a meal. He PROPOSES. SOOKIE runs into the bathroom in a fluster and BILL gets KIDNAPPED in her ABSENCE.
This is a REALLY EVIL CLIFFHANGER, but at least there are NO MORE ORGIES.
Script by Jayne Nelson